The beginning…..

These are the first writings I did in 1987 right after my brain blitz which according to my neurologist, Dr. Gary Gerard, was a stroke, a ruptured aneurysm or Encephalitis. He’d ordered an MRI, but I couldn’t tolerate it, because I had such terrible claustrophobia, that after 7 minutes, I was screaming and yelling and just jumped out. The EEG did show only Theta and some Delta and the most beautiful Mandalas I had ever seen. When I complimented the tech on her wonderful stained glass mandalas, she complimented me on my brain’s ability to make beautiful images. You see her slides were clear glass. After several months, I knew it was also a Spiritual Emergence or “Emergency” because I had read Stan and Christina Grof’s books.

But then, something happened, and I was sure I was dying. I wound up in the light and the Voice of Comfort spoke to me. My consciousness travelled outside my body and went to far away places. I could no longer read, write or remember anything from even a moment before. I was more terrified than I’ve ever been in my life and had no logical brain to speak of to keep me grounded on earth in time. Time meant nothing, I had no way to process it.

I did see and feel things I never had in my life before–but that only frightened me more. The right brain vision of the world is far different from all the rational, left brain conditionings that I’d accumulated throughout my years of growing up. My head pounded, and most days I sat in the dark because the light hurt my eyes. When I was able to dress, I often found myself wearing a few sets of underwear.

My friends and family stayed with me, reassuring and watering me for a few months. I know they prayed as hard as I did. It was that or locking me up in a crazy house.

Still, in my mind, through all my confusion, there was one clear voice: a strong, compassionate witness consciousness that led me through most days. Her name is Eva, and she’s been with me my whole life but I didn’t have a clue until that time. She is a high healer and counselor and is still with me whenever I need her help.

So once my brain had been emptied like a tea cup– left brain mostly–each morning, I’d get out of bed, either sit in a corner of a room on the floor or at the table and wait until Eva spoke and gave me instructions. It was like doing an internship from the inside. I did see nature then, truly see it, in a whole new way-alive with energy–as I never had before. And I could see I was made up of the same “stuff” as all of nature. I knew everything in life was self-portrait made up of the same Godly consciousness that I was. But still I couldn’t function in the world.

Finally, after about 3 weeks, my guides told me, “You have chosen to live.” I said, “I did no such thing.” But there was someone else to consider-my higher self– who called herself Rashana-who had plans of her own to grow my soul and help me evolve and heal. With her encouragement, I began to try to live again. But I couldn’t manage very much. I could see the clock, but didn’t know what time meant. I stayed awake when it was light, and as soon as it got dark, I went to sleep.

I couldn’t even meditate. I just sat at my computer and wrote whatever Rashana transmitted in words or pictures. I was always surprised at the words that appeared on the screen. The processing center of my brain was gone so nothing registered except what she suggested, and I cried long hours every day, tears sloshing onto my keyboard because I was sure I’d lost my brain if not my mind. I couldn’t comprehend a lot of what I typed until much later. Still, each day I tried to hold onto a small bit of sanity. I talked to myself, or rather to my higher self, Rashana, and she talked back to me. For the last twenty-five years, I’ve kept typing and talking to her and…. listening.

After all these years, I finally know how much these conversations grounded me and helped me stay in the world. Rashana lifted me out of my own darkness and danced me into the Light. She did it with humor, stories and dance. By teasing me back into Life. Because Thanksgiving is coming again, and because I’m still so grateful to be on earth, I’d like to give thanks, and share some of my journey with you. I wish you a wonderful day.




January 14, 1987

Dear Rashana,

I have found it extremely difficult to contact you in the last few days and I still don’t really understand why.


Dear Carol,

I have, as you know, been decorating the skies with new and shiny stars. Every few eons the old stars gets dusty and they have to be replaced. As a new spirit on the Creative Realm, it is one of my jobs. I’m having quite a nice time of it because, after all, I’d spent too many lifetimes on warrior and I’m now really looking at the creative aspects of my self having mastered and integrated my warrior nature.


Dear Rashana,

And where does that leave me?


Dear Carol,

On earth where you’ve always been. There was an agreement made before we started this whole thing at the beginning that this was the time to do this–you, as well as me, and so I’m just moving ahead as planned. Humans have short memories and so they forget plans once made but let me assure you that things are going exactly as we planned beforehand. Funny word. It’s really before life at hand.


Dear Rashana,

Why is it taking me so much longer than you to make the transition from warrior nature to creative nature? And is there anything that can make it easier?


My dearest Fallen Star,

It didn’t happen any more quickly for me than for you, it’s just that here there is no time. It happened when I had learned all I needed on warrior so I made the decision to move on. Once you make that decision, or firmly acknowledge that the decision has already been made, you must begin your learning which it seems to me you have been doing. It’s just the question of time that puzzles you and that’s really not a question that needs to answered now that you have seen that time is an illusion.


Dear Rashana,

After you finish redecorating the heavens what then? What do you do and what do we do together?


Dearest Squash Feelings,

I do what angels do. I don’t have quite a complete idea just yet for on the Creative realm, especially, it’s up to us to create what we’ll do. Therefore I have to create a job and then make sure I fit the job description-which is no problem because I’ll write the job description to require an angel just like me.

I’ll let you know as soon as I finish beginning it. As for us, well, now here’s the situation.?We have to decide together. We can, of course, dance as I showed you this morning. After you’ve healed it will be quite fun, as The Angel Janith and Eva has told. And we can make visions that you can just sit and enjoy; very better than pay TV. You tune in and I’ll show you what we can see together. Then we can be mother-nature too, in a fashion, not the same as before. Not so much Italian overfeeding of other selves with emotion that belongs to you that fills a soul as fast as it fills a stomach. Makes one boggy and is not good for soul health. I want to have lighter time on earth with you. Too many very heavy incarnations have made it difficult for me to laugh as lightly as a spirit should and we really must consider my wishes as well. ?I will, as always, respect your choice of what you wish to do, but “beautiful” is not as trivial as you seem to think it to be. If everyone took on so heavy an incarnation at all times, no one would volunteer to come to earth for lessons.

Also it pains my spirit compassion to watch you struggle with such important matters all the lifetimes. It sets you and me out of balance – that too is a form of stuckness. The Thirteenth Master has it in hand. His and Her hand. No need to feel it’s always in your/our hands. He/She is quite the most wonderful and fair and compassionate and balanced and All of All of us so we must allow the larger plan to flow. Stop asking for such heavy work, you’ll burn yourself out. Then you keep dying too quickly and learn no lessons of good old age. Of which you have far too little experience. I am looking forward to your wrinkles.

In all our incarnations, we have not had great grandchildren. Is that not in itself a certain enough sadness for you? Anyway, we have much to contribute if you can help to quickly rid yourself of the worthwhileness of only your suffering. Your laughter is quite a nice sound and I may say that your smile is a very beautiful one. Sometimes other souls hunger for the look of a smile that has not the sad eyes of too many burdens beneath.

Your soul is very new in it’s own way now and I would like to suggest that you fill it with happy and sunshine things. A leaf or two of the outside world couldn’t hurt and a new leaf in a new book would truly lighten and happy me up. In the meantime I will return to my creations and anytime you wish to contact me you can just.

With Starry eyes and huge smiles,

I remain Yours,



There’s An Angel in My Computer!
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